Ashes and Wine
by Zelinxia
Summary: Throughout the journey, he had always been there for Fai. But what happens when old, destructive habits return, threatening their relationship? Break up fic. Set post series.


**Warnings**: Permanent break up, language

**A/N**: For a prompt at the clampkink community over at LiveJournal. It asked for a permanent break up set in canon verse; and also for it to hurt. I took the evil liberty of having it occurring post series - and therefore there may be some slight out of character involved in here.

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><p><em>Is there a chance fragment of light<br>At the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight  
>Is there a chance you may change your mind<br>Or are we ashes and wine?_  
>- "Ashes and Wine" by A Fine Frenzy<p>

_Did you ever have the feeling of suffocating and gasping for breath when the fire's too much? It's natural to feel unease when you yourself are in control of taming the fire. Prod a little and you barely get any flames. Stoke too much and you find yourself feverishly sweating and your lungs screaming for oxygen. But if you feed the fire just right, you are then ensured a great sense of warmth and protection._

_That was the case for me for a good amount of time. Until I realized that the fire was growing larger and I no longer had any control over it. It was stealing my breath bit by bit. And then all I wanted to do was extinguish the flames before it could get any worse._

_But what happens when you put out the fire and leave yourself in the cold and darkness?_

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><p>It wasn't always like this before. Sure it took a long time before he and I got anywhere on a healthy foundation. He was always smiling, always putting on that plastic, sickening fake smile. He fooled the others for a really long time. But not me.<p>

I never liked it when he smiled all those times when it was glaringly apparent that he was hiding his pain. I couldn't stand it because he was lying to himself as much as he was lying to me and the others. And I dove in without knowing it to help him for gods know fucking reason. But now it's to the point I hate it when he smiles – real or not. I thought he had changed for the better.

But I was wrong.

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><p>I could clearly remember that evening in my home world when I woke up in pain – yet never have I felt alive at that moment. Because he finally came back to me that calm evening. I didn't care that I had lost my arm, which meant I might never be able to serve as a shinobi anymore. All I cared was that he living and that he valued it. Most importantly he was willing to stay with me as much as I was willing to stay with him.<p>

This feeling of complacency was something I hadn't felt for a very long time and by that I meant before I lost my parents and Suwa. After we destroyed that damned man that was responsible for the murder of my mother - not to mention the misery of him and the younger ones - and the parting of ways, I had hoped this would last for a very long time.

But then it came back. His fucking nightmares came back. So then along with that his fears and self loathing, the lies and those goddamn smiles came back. Once again I had to comfort him and knock some sense into that idiot's head. He was lying and I was getting angry again. I usually mean well with anger. Maybe it was the hardship I faced as a young man or maybe it was roughness due to training under the shinobi army, but anger was a way for me to cope. But then it came to a point that I felt myself getting angry at him for no reason. And even when my head would flare up when he was dealing with pain, I would snap at him. Not because I was concerned yet couldn't show it otherwise. But because I myself was getting tired and fed up with having to deal with his fucking idiocy and ending up going nowhere trying to help him.

I was horrified that we were returning to what we once were when we all first met at the witch's shop. He was a pathological liar who couldn't care what happened to him. I was an angry, violent person who was frustrated because I was not able to protect.

It was time I did something about it.

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><p>"Kuro-tan, we should finish this before Mokona takes us away again."<p>

I looked up from the clips of articles I was glancing over. The mage was displaying a horrible smile and holding up a wine bottle. We found it stashed away in one of the kitchen's cupboard when we landed in this world. We were really close to finishing its dark red content.

He ignored my lack of response and sat down across from me at the table with two glasses and the bottle. "You need to take your mind off. Even Syaoran-kun and Mokona are out now." He poured the last of the wine in the cups and pushed one towards me. Before he leaned back in his chair and tipped the whole drink down his throat I stopped him.

"Wait a moment," I said.

"Oh, does Kuro-rin want to talk about something important?" He was teasing me as usual, leering at me with falseness behind those cerulean eyes. When I didn't say anything back, he knew I was being serious. His smile wavered as he put down his glass.

"This is getting nowhere," I forced myself to say.

The blonde's mouth twitched. "If you mean the wine, I'll happily take yours!"

"No," I frowned, clenching my fist to calm myself. Staring into his eyes, I calmly said," I mean us. _We're_getting nowhere."

"Oh," he began to comprehend. "Oh…"

His mouth was twitching again. I swore if it broke into a grin I was going to punch it.

"I think," he paused, "I understand."

I blinked hard. I wasn't expecting him to take it so calmly. "You do?"

The blonde nodded slowly. He too was taking this conversation very seriously. "You couldn't handle it anymore." He was closing his eyes and trying to keep his breathing at a constant, calm rate. "I've been too hard on you, Kuro-sama."

It seemed wrong to be…relieved he wasn't lashing out on me. But I was still keeping my guard on. "Listen, I never meant to get angry for anger's sake."  
>I realized that I too, was struggling to keep my breathing in check. "I just felt like as if I had - like I couldn't…"<p>

"Breathe?" he finished for me. All of a sudden, my throat tightened. So all I could do was give him a firm nod.

He laughed. Not a fake, falsetto laugh, but a short, nervous one. "Actually, I was expecting for Kuro-sama to say this for awhile."

It was eerie how he was handling it so well. "You-you have?" I asked alarmingly.

He nodded. "I understand. There's a reason you must have been so flippant a lot more often lately." To my disgust, he was smiling again, smiling when it was fucking obvious he was hurt. It made me realize that whether he was smiling or lashing out I would detest either way.

There was silence in the kitchen room. The knowledge that I was – to put it bluntly – cutting off our own relationship was sinking into him. He was staring at his hands, much like what I was doing.

"Was it because of your arm?" he croaked. He was trembling. Fuck, he was going there.

"What makes you think-"

"Do you regret it?" He was shaking so hardly but his mouth was stable. "Do you regret losing your arm?"

"No,I-"

"I get it now," he was so fucking sure, "Why didn't you just _leave_ me there?"

"_Listen to me!"_

There was a loud _clang_. Without realizing, I had just shot up at those damn words and in the process knocked my chair backwards on the floor. My hands were clenched in fists so tightly and the idiot sat still, stunned at my sudden outburst. But I didn't care. I couldn't give a damn to control my temper. His pure idiocy drove my anger up immediately.

"You're a fucking idiot, you know that?" He was still stunned and I intended to keep him that way.

"The reason I saved you was because I couldn't let you die when I had the option to help you get out of there. It was my fucking will to do anything to save all of us and I never cared that I lost my arm because of that. What does it matter now that I got a second replacement?" I kept pacing up and down the kitchen floor on my side of the table. "So don't you _dare _think I regret it. Haven't I told you that then? I even told Tomoyo, damn it!"

It was then that I saw blood returning to his pale skin. Trembling he supported himself on the table and got up.

"So why are you doing this then?" he snarled. "To me? To _us_?" For once in a very long time he was putting up a fight. A destructive one.

"Didn't you say so yourself?" I yelled. "I couldn't stand this anymore. I want to breathe."

"Oh really?" he snapped, stepping out from behind his chair and having the fucking guts to walk closer, bridging our distance. "Go ahead," the idiot spat. "Why don't you go ahead and kill me?"

My head wanted to burst. "_What_?"

"Because you said so yourself. You kill those who threaten your life. And obviously I'm 'suffocating' you, so I'm a threat."

"For the last time-"

"Or at least hurt me so you can fully express your anger and cruelty."

"Fuck you!" I roared, slamming a fist on the wooden table. There was a dent. "Never, I would never hurt you _that_way." I was shaking with anger so badly I couldn't see so well, let alone speak further. I was angry at myself.

I still cared for him, goddamn it, but I couldn't provide the care a devoted lover would give anymore. I was ready to tell him he could be free on his own, that _maybe_I will still keep an eye out.

But now I wasn't sure at this rate.

"If that's the case," he spoke slowly. He started inching closer and closer until he stood so close that I could see his eyes clearly. Anger, but desperation was etched in them.

"Kiss me," he ordered coldly. He was dangerously getting closer to my lips. "For a goodbye."

My body and mind were locked in a fierce fight. He was too close - dangerously, fucking close. My skin was tingling so badly that if I was the idiot I would ram my lips on his and wrap my arms around his goddamn slender waist. I would feel his tongue meeting mine and then he would scrape his teeth along my neck, sucking on it hard yet passionately. And then I would take him back to our room and rip off all his clothes, one by one, while our lips were still meshed together. I would fuck him, fuck him so hard to show him the anger and pain and frustration I had been bottling up. Then maybe, maybe he would stop his fucking idiotic ways and learn again to live.

But something snapped me out of my forsaken reverie - perhaps, my last dying hope. It would be wrong, cruel to do that to him when I was dead set on sparing him – yes – sparing him from me.

"No."

He gasped and slightly took a step back. For a moment I swore I saw a flicker of gold in his cerulean eyes. He was furious, furious like that time I happened to spare him from death by giving him my own blood. I took some breaths after realizing I was holding it at bay.

The idiot frowned. "So then, it was just as I had warned you a while back. I bring unhappiness and misfortune to those I know wherever I go. I guess that was what happened."

"For the last time-"

"No," he interrupted icily. "Don't bother." He was now stepping further and further away. "I guess you leave me no choice," he said, narrowing his eyes. I saw him reaching for the door and noticed how hard he was shaking yet fighting to keep his cool.

"Well then, fine. Goodbye Kuro-sa-…Kurogane."

After he slammed the goddamn door, I swore so loudly. He was willing to put his distance, fine. Yet I had the urge to chuck something at the door that I had to grab my own wrist to stop myself. In doing so I knocked over his cup onto the floor. With a loud crack, the glass shattered, spilling wine on the floor. A few shards got caught on my left hand – excuse me – my fake left hand that was a part of my new replacement arm because I lost my real for – what was it – to save that fucking idiot's ass.

Sitting down on the sole chair that was still up, I grabbed the other glass and gulped it down, acrid liquid burning my throat. But before I even finished the last drop, I felt like a sword had just rammed me.

_I_ was the one that broke up with him when I always thought if it happened it would be him that would. _I_have failed to protect him because I gave up. And if there was one thing I swore I would never break when I served at Shirasagi – or even vowed to my father – it was to never surrender. Never stop protecting the people precious to me. But I just did. What the hell else could I have done? We both were making it worse. In the end, I had to do it. Not only for my sake, but for his too.

I honestly didn't know what hurt more. I ending it when I fought for him to stay. He getting worse again and I helplessly getting angry at him. He threatening for me to kill him, to forget him. He wanting that one last goddamn intimate exchange. I nearly caving in but firmly snapped out of it. He saying my full name.

Or I giving up – meaning it was permanent. It wasn't only the strong taste of the wine that was making my throat hurt so much.

Now I know how that kid felt that time. Not necessarily having the person you have come close to and love strongly forget who you were, but knowing that the closeness, the special bond had been irrevocably severed. Yet although the kid and the princess found their way back to each other, I know that I will never have that again with him.

But now, when I couldn't even cry when he was going to die in that forsaken world, my eyes were stinging. Stinging with bitterness and anger. And pain. But I fought to fight back those – goddamn it – tears from spilling out. Not because I still thought crying is a sign of weakness and a hindrance from staying strong and confronting what I must do. It's because I would then succumb to those very words he had said a very long time ago.

"_Yeah, but…I also think there's a certain strength that's needed to be able to cry when you should."_

I didn't want to fucking cry. I didn't want to let him know how I'm reeling from his words. Let him mourn with his coping devices.

There was two – no wait – three, fuck, maybe many times I was close to losing him because he didn't want to hang on. But now I have and it was because of my own decision. I couldn't protect the person I love…or maybe used to love. Hell, I don't even know how I feel about him anymore.

But it hurt still. Something I thought had dried up forever sneaked its way down. Because I lost him for good.

And it fucking hurt just as much as when I lost my mother and father.


End file.
